Picture. Pencil. This is not where I want to be today. I have spent so much time trying to leave this place in my head. This dark place where the demons always seem to find me.
Run inside. Hide from the one who is after me. I see that there are many ways to go but not all of them will lead me to the place that is safe. Hide. Run.
Run. Running clown. Funny most of the time when I look at them under a certain light but the sun brings out the reality.
Reality. This is the place I want to run from. This is the place I want to hide in. This is what has hurt me. This is the place that has kept me from finding myself and how I got hurt.
Hurt. Stub my tow. Sliver in my finger. Cut on my arm. Broken bones. Brain hemorrhage. I am now she and that is the way it has to be. She. She is me. I am She.
She. Can't begin to imagine how to navigate life without falling through the blue complexity of sky and work and babies crying on every street corner. In castles surrounded by moats of blood and chocolate pudding. Go swimming with the sharks to discover beauty.
Beauty. A myth. Not reality as we see the world. Uncover what keeps us here on this place down to the diamond roughness of our cannibalistic ways of looking at the opposite sex. We want to consume and eat each other from the outside in. All that will be left are clowns and castles. Pictures on three by five cards of a life that doesn't mirror a reality shared by the rest of the world. Skewed by a sense of dignity when that is the last emotion anyone should be marking on a list of must-haves. Others on the list are gluttony, lust, pride, sloth, envy, wrath, and greed. How does an emotion like dignity get mixed up with a crowd like that? Something is not right with the world.
World. Her world is all she can see when she closes her eyes in the dark. The pencil shapes she tries to sketch in the blackness of her room when the sun goes down is all she can use to keep herself tied to her small, little, insignificant world. The one that she leans against, the one that she longs for when she cries at night. In the dark.
Dark. The opposite of gloomy at the best of times for this little girl. She is haunted my memories of darkness and gloom and the characteristics shared by their intersecting set of features. Those being roughness and hair and scales that are only meant to be rubbed one way but no matter how hard she tries her fingers work against the grain. Now there is blood.
Blood. Blood everywhere. Pouring from the cuts and wounds coloring the gray graphite pencil drawing with a crimson stain that brings with it only fear of how she will ever get the image right again in her mind without the tarnish of blood.